I know the pains of labor. I've been hospitalized for a bad kidney infection. I've had my head sliced open... NEVER in my life have I been in such excruciating pain as I was this afternoon at my first bikini waxing. This was a "gift" for Danny for Christmas. Let's just say, after months of not being able to see past my big fat pregnant belly and then really not caring about the upkeep 'down there' I'd become reminiscent of 1980s "Debbie Does Dallas"... So, I go in and make sure they know it is my first time. I'm told to strip down from the waist down and then put on the disposable panties. I kind of laughed when the preteen waxer pointed to this tiny package labeled 'Made in China'. I stripped down and opened up the package after she left. If you aren't familiar with these fine imports...it is an elastic waistband and what looks like a thin strip of toilet paper joining the front to the back. I figured out how to put the dang things on and then hopped up on the bed. She comes back in and does my eyebrows--no sweat, I've had them waxed for years. It is actually my brow waxing experience that convinced me I could go for the v-zone. So she lifts the towel to reveal the Chinese disposables and my untamed naughty area and she just says, "its a little long...would you like to clip it yourself?" I'm like Grrreeeaat... I casually say something like "Well, I didn't really know how to prepare..." Little Miss Preteen leaves (and I'm sure tells the rest of the gals at the salon what a jungle she saw 'down there'. Snip, snip, snip... When I'm through she comes back in. We talk about what specifics I want. I say, "Um pretty much everything up front--but no Brazilian."
NOTHING--I mean NOTHING--could have prepared me for what happens next...
She swipes the first bit of wax, places the strip and YANK! It literally took my breath away. I felt each individual hair ripped out of me all at once. There was so much pain, redness and blood. (Think Steve Carell getting his chest waxed in 40-Year-Old-Virgin) And then the little beeyotch kept going! I was light-headed, hands shaking and just wanted to kick her right in the stomach!! She asked me if I wanted to stop and I said no lets just get it done. I thought it would get better. Nope, it didn't! I had previously said I wanted it all, but we got to a good stopping point and I was told it was only going to get more painful. I was cursing Danny's name. She gave me a couple of lotions to put on. I glopped on about half the bottle and waddled over to my panties and jeans. It hurt to put them on but I did, walked up to the register and paid. The girl was like see you in about 3 weeks if you want to keep it up. Oh, by the way we sell "no scream cream" which numbs the area before you get waxed. I was like, hmmmm... that would have been helpful to know about when I called to make the appointment and mentioned it was my first time. Sadist beeyotch! I'm still hurting tonight. I will be going back to my pain free trusty razor from now on. For those of you who wax and say it isn't that bad, I salute you! As for me and my vag, we are out of the waxing world for good!
